Photo by Oknovokght.

First of all I would like to say that I don’t advocate the use of denial in people’s lives (at least not on a large scale!). If we lived our lives by saying “no” all the time we would be denying ourselves some incredible opportunities. Being open to these opportunities makes life wonderful. However, after seeing the film Yes Man I’ve had this thought playing on my mind & it wasn’t until the other day at the supermarket that I realised what it was.

My name is Bella & I am a pushover.

I was shopping for groceries & after wondering through the isles & picking up the things that took my fancy, I made my way the checkout. This particular supermarket was small, so there was only one register available & all the other customers were quietly lined up waiting to be served. I joined the end of the queue averted my eyes for a moment to check my basket had everything I needed & then looked up again. Lo & behold someone had pushed in front of me. I felt startled & somewhat affronted but said nothing. As the line moved on I started to feel more & more angry. Who the hell did this guy think he was? But instead of saying anything I stood there looking sour, feeling awful & took my frustrations out on the poor guy at the checkout by not responding to his hello. I stomped out of the store & then all of a sudden realised why I was so angry. I was angry at myself.

I had failed to stand up for myself & it made me feel hurt & angry. I recalled all the moments where I had given in to the wishes of other people against those of my own & realised that I was angry because in those situations I had never really taken into consideration what I wanted. I was being a pushover & saying “yes” to often to other people & “no” too often to myself.

Photo by Three-Legged-Cat.

When we’re children our parents are the voice of all authority in our lives. Mum & Dad tell us what to do & when we comply they lavish affection upon us. It’s this conditional affection that leads us to believe that if we ever want anyone to really care for us or to be valuable, we have to please them first, foremost & always. This means that rather than acting out of affection & fondness for a friend/job/lover a pushover acts out of fear. A fear of loss of approval. For this reason a pushover says “yes” even when they’re inclined to say “no”.

A pushover doesn’t fully know their value because they are constantly looking to other people for approval. When I was in high school I found that I was somewhat obsessed with making other people happy. This meant expressing views that weren’t akin to my own & going along with whatever anyone said or did. I had this constant need for approval, even from people I hardly knew. I only felt my worth when people gave me feedback. I began to feel like my life lacked control, direction & purpose. This is disastrously inappropriate.

So I decided to take charge. I said “yes” only when I wanted to & said “no” more often.

Find out what you want first

It is important to make sure that your new found use of the word “no” doesn’t become used with the same blindness that was once applied to “yes”. What I mean to say, is that before you say “yes” or “no” take a bit time to decide for yourself. What do you want?

• Take a moment to sit & think about the things you want in life.

• Make a list of your desires & dislikes. Dream up plans, goals & aspirations & then go for it!

• Read Tina Su’s article How to Design Your Ideal Life & put some of her suggestions into practice.

• Be brave!

Tit for Tat

It’s nice to be nice. Positivity & gratitude are wonderful things. But when you find yourself constantly at the mercy of another’s whims, when you’re plied for favours & when you’re never asked for your point of view/feelings/thoughts/plans then it’s time to think about saying “no!” Just because you’re a nice person does not mean that you need to be a pushover! When you feel like saying yes to things you’re not so keen on, try these tips;

• Make your participation conditional. I’ll help you with your mid-term report if you make lunch that day.

• Clarify your needs. I’d love to, but I need to go home & spend time with my family.

• Take a rain check. I’m busy right now, but I’m free later this afternoon/tomorrow/next week. How about then?

Stand up & be counted

When someone makes disparaging remarks or behaves in an overbearing way (or is being a bully!) don’t bow your head & avert your eyes. Don’t bottle it up or just take it. This kind of behaviour is dangerous for you & the people around you. Don’t repress your reactions! Stand up for yourself! Let them know in a calm & polite manner that they’ve crossed the line.

• Take a deep breath. Don’t get emotional or let your feelings get out of control. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean making a scene.

• Be polite & speak clearly. Leave them in no doubt of the fact that you’re saying “NO!” I think you’re wrong or I don’t think this is right.

Remember who you are

The good opinion of loved ones & close friends is important. But self respect & self worth are also important. Remember those plans, goals & aspirations? Keep track of those achievements & congratulate yourself every so often. Remind yourself how wonderful you are & don’t forget to be awesome!

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